Countdown To Training Camp: 3 Days Left
Yes, that means 3 days for the United Colors of Benetton (LA Division) to enjoy their last days of rest before the grind of yet another long season of whooping the shit out of every team in the NBA. So what might our multicultural basketball team members want to fit in before the ring of Phil’s whistle sets in their ears for the next 8 months?
Kobe Bryant: Rest? What rest? Kobe is practicing his pull-up J as of this writing. I would not be surprised if he pulled out a sleeping bag next to the free throw line, peed into a catheter between drills, and ate freeze-dried astronaut food to squeeze in as much practice as possible. Yes, that’s what MVPs do.
Pau Gasol: Quickly shredding the receipts to his ballet and dance lessons before the guys find them and make fun of him. You didn’t think he played dainty for no reason did you? That free throw shot technique of his was taught by Mademoiselle D’Aubigne not Kurt Rambis.
Andrew Bynum: Finishing off the last week of his mean lean fighting machine summer workout regimen. He might also start growing out facial hair to separate himself from his long lost twin “Little Foot” from Land Before Time.
Jordan Farmar: Consulting with the most famous plastic surgeons in Hollyweird to somehow pin those ears back…but not look too fat at the same time.
Trevor Ariza: Still trying to get the stench of Grant Hill out of his groin area that’s been lingering since last Christmas. I wonder if Hill is doing the same for his facial region…
Derek Fisher: Multi-tasking his life away. Can’t figure out whether he wants to run for mayor, work for Green Peace, help blind kids, help negotiate for player salaries or just play basketball. Can’t knock D-Fish.
Chris Mihm: Begging the Lakers to keep him around for some reason even if not for basketball purposes. Life-sized paper-weight? Door-stopper?
Lamar Odom: Doing strength and conditioning drills, so he does NOT beat his record for the most trips and falls in an NBA game ever by anyone ever this year.
Vladimir Radmonovic: Visiting his mnemonics coach for the final week of his class called, “How the fuck to remember how to play the game of basketball for periods longer than 2 days.”
Sasha Vujacic: Hair appointment, manicure, pedicure, the whole nine. Also, trying not to associate himself with the other guy whose last name rhymes with his, so he doesn’t get his ass kicked off the team.
Sun Yue: Watching the Rush Hour series to study what a Chinese guy needs to do to fit in with black people.